Being a transformational coach, mindfulness trainer and speaker, for me, carries with it a significant level of responsibility to lead my life authentically and transparently. Although, that does not mean that my entire life is open for discussion, or that everything is shared. I am a Virgo and what that means, as far as the Tarot is concerned, is that I am a Hermit. Not completely literal, but it does represent that my inner journey, done in solitude, is very important. And the wisdom gained during those times is to be shared with others, to assist with their journeys. It’s no coincidence that I do what I do for a living.
By being as transparent as possible, I share with you the bumps along the road of life, which are a part of my experience, and that of everyone who moves towards self-mastery. Hopefully, those who resonate with my work will find support in these words for their own journey of self-discovery, and it will make their paths a bit easier.
So it is important to me to listen to my inner voice and walk the walk, leading by example. I hold the intention to serve humanity through teaching, genuinely, what I have come to learn by navigating my own obstacles. I reveal my own stumbling. And I trust I will do this work for as long as I live, or as long as I am guided to do so.
With each painful situation, obstacle or emotional challenge I move through, I am then more able to support others in their exploration of self-awareness. In that vein, I share with you my closing story from 2018.
On December 31st, 2018, my intention is admirable as I drag my butt to the gym at 6:30 am, although motivation was not in the script. I bundle up with my typical, childlike, earflap-fuzzy-beanie, which at this time of year happens to have gold lame’ reindeer antlers, as well as my coat, scarf, and gloves, and I head out. I drive in silence and begin to reflect on the year.
It is cold and cloudy, and I find myself feeling a little sad. The journey from home to the gym is less than 10 minutes but I am driving uncharacteristically slow, like a granny. It feels like time has slowed down, too, as I tap into my body (this is a regular occurrence, being in mindful practice as the Observer in non-judgement), and I ask why I am feeling sad. A question pops into my mind: “What was the overarching energy of the year?”
“Heartbreak” is what appears in my consciousness, out of nowhere, like a big billboard sign.
“Wow, really?” I question back to myself. “That seems kind of dark and a bit of a downer leading into the new year.”
Then, as if a screenplay is being shown to me, automatically, my mind begins to show me the past year; small reflections of experiences feel dropped in from the great beyond. I start to review.
The year had launched with the “break up” with my live-in boyfriend. Someone I had thought, early on in our relationship, would be the last intimate relationship I would have. As anyone who has gone through a break up can attest to, it was extremely painful on many levels. Conditions that I had not previously dealt with presented. These details are not what this article is about, but suffice it to say, I cried a lot. At times, I felt paralyzed by my grief. I explored the depth of anger in ways I had not done previously. I lived the pain. And learned to love myself more deeply through the process.
The lesson bubbling up for me to witness was that, the year prior, I had second-guessed my inner-knowing; I had allowed that to become a theme that carried over to this past year. A roller-coaster of situations and emotions triggered deep, dormant beliefs, including not valuing my energetic sensitivity and intuition. And that presented, as significant contrast, not feeling comfortable in my own skin.
I was doubting my worth and questioning my clear connection to my Source – my inner knowing – the whispering of the Light (you may call this God, The Divine, Creator, the Universe etc.) As this awareness on the screen of my mind and heart began to fade, the next scene emerged in my revealing experience.
To continue the story, read Friend Transitioned.