Being a life coach, mindfulness trainer and speaker, for me, carries with it a significant level of responsibility to lead my life authentically and transparently. Although, that does not mean that my entire life is open for discussion or that everything is shared. I am a Virgo and what that means as far as the Tarot is concerned, is that I am a Hermit. Not completely literal but it does represent that my inner journey in solitude is very important. And the wisdom gained during those times is to be shared with others to assist with their journey. No coincidence that I do what I do for a living.
By being as transparent as possible, I share with you the bumps along the road of life that are a part of my experience and that of everyone moving toward self-mastery. And hopefully those who resonate with my work, will find support in these words for their own journey of self-discovery and make their path a bit easier. With each level that I move through, I am then able to support others in their exploration of self-awareness.
The 2018 Energy?
So, it is important to me to listen to my inner voice and walk the walk. Leading by example. I hold the intention to serve humanity through teaching genuinely what I have come to learn by navigating my own obstacles. Revealing my own stumbling. I trust I will do this work for as long as I live or as long as I am guided to do so. By being as transparent as possible, I share with you the bumps along the road of life that are a part of my experience and that of everyone moving toward self-mastery. And hopefully those who resonate with my work, will find support in these words for their own journey of self-discovery and make their path a bit easier. With each painful situation, obstacle or emotional challenge that I move through, I am then more able to support others in their exploration of self-awareness. In that vein, I share with you my 2018 closing story.
December 31st, 2018, my intention is admirable as I am dragging my butt to the gym at 6:30 am, although motivation was not in the script. I drove in silence and began to reflect on the year. Bundled up with my typical childlike earflap fuzzy beanie, that at this time of year happens to have gold lame’ reindeer antlers, my coat, scarf, and gloves, and I head out. It was cold and cloudy, and I found myself feeling a little sad. The journey from home to the gym is less than 10 minutes but I was driving uncharacteristically like a granny. It felt like time had slowed, as I tapped into my body (this is a regular occurrence, being in mindful practice as the Observer in non-judgement,) and asked why I was feeling sad. A question popped into my mind. “What was the overarching energy of the year?”
“Heartbreak” is what appeared in my consciousness, out of nowhere like a big billboard sign. “Wow, really?” I questioned back to myself. “That seems kind of dark and a bit of a downer leading into the new year.” Then, like an automatically started screenplay being shown in my mind, with small reflections of experiences that were being dropped in from the great beyond, I started to review.
The year had launched with the “break up” with my live-in boyfriend. Someone I had thought early on in our relationship would be the last intimate relationship I would have. As anyone who has gone through a break up can attest to, it was extremely painful on many levels. Conditions that I had not previously dealt with presented. These details are not what this article is about, but suffice it to say, I cried a lot. At times paralyzed by my grief. I explored the depth of anger like I had not previously. I lived the pain. And learned to love myself more deeply through the process.
The lesson that was bubbling up for me to witness was that the year prior I spent second guessing my inner-knowing, and I allowed that to become a theme that carried over to this year. A roller coaster of situations and emotions triggered deep dormant beliefs. Such as not valuing my energetic sensitivity and intuition. And that presented as significant contrast by way of not feeling comfortable in my own skin. I was doubting my worth and questioning my clear connection to my Source – my inner knowing – the whispering of the Light (you may call this God, The Divine, Creator, the Universe etc.). As this awareness on the screen of my mind and heart began to fade, the next scene emerged.
I’m now sitting in the warmth of my car in the gym parking lot not wanting to break the spell of this experience and the butt warmer that was at the perfect temperature.
My began to fill with the feeling of one of my dearest friends. Rick. He transitioned suddenly from physical to non-physical (you may recognize the term “passing away”), early in the year, the day after I had spent several hours engaging with him over brunch. We were spiritual partners and mentors for each other. That day, he provided me the reflection that I needed to confirm my intuition and it shored up my foundation. He said to me as only Rick could do, in that completely connected to God manner that he had. Looking off into the distance, raising his right hand in a gesture, “Oh yeah, it’s going to be great.” He said to me. “You’re going to be fine”. And the next day, I received the message from his family. My heart broke again or truthfully continued to shatter. And as I write this, the loss is streaming down my face almost a year after.
Fast paced now, the images of the year, time and time again punctuated with a bubbling up of contrast situations of pain that had me journeying back into my past of where these conditions arose before, albeit with different actors and players of the parts but similar reflections.
I experienced, two emergency-room trips with my son that were reminiscent of fears and drama that were a part of my ancestral heritage. My mother was full of fear and expected the worst-case scenario always. If anyone was a few minutes late, she went straight to an accident. And as everyone knows, because it is in the name “accident”, you can never plan for such events, whether illness or accidents but rather be present in the moment and use it for mindful exploration. Feel the feelings. Feel the pain. As I was feeling helpless to take Luca’s pain and all the while knowing that if I could, it would rob him of the expansive experience of contrast. It still was hard moving through it. This was my 13-year-old baby and being mindfully aware means that I was present with my grief and pain.
There were bouts with financial challenge, as I moved to a one income household. There were a plethora of fears presenting that were clearly old imprints of lifetimes. Like a light was being shown on limiting beliefs. There were professional relationships that did not manifest as initially intended, projects that stalled, friendships that I held to expectation that presented painful outcomes. And we rounded out loss with adopting a furry housemate to “fill a void” (I should have known better) that expressed such behavioral problems that we could not continue and all the emotional grieving that went with that decision.
Health issues showed up over the last couple of years. Although not debilitating, the manifestations presented like the year before to give me a stronger message. Adrenal fatigue, thyroid imbalance, low energy, allergies, heart racing. Showing me that there was an internal emotional struggle and the disparate energy to my spiritual self was leaving behind a physical manifestation of dis-ese in the body.
Thank God for my mindfulness and meditation practice because I had the tools to navigate and the awareness of knowing what was transpiring for my continued spiritual evolution and how to sit with it all.
The world’s a reflection of you
Moving through the inner slideshow of my mind, with flashes of situations that reflected that word “heartbreak”, the personal movie began to shift. The higher purpose revealed in each of the vignettes was like a shower of bright Light. My energy began to lift and expand, and I literally felt Light all around me.
Now, it was time to kick into gear and walk through those glass doors to the brightly lit, slightly chilly gym.
Walking the short distance from my car, I realized all this awareness happened during a quick ride to the gym, sitting in the parking lot and now, with outdoor gear and purse stowed away in the cubby, I was ready to continue my inner dialogue and grab the treadmill of my choice.
With earbuds placed in ears, my phone set on vibrate and no music playing, my awareness ticked off all the beautiful aspects of the year. Like a stream of bullet points punctuating each of what I was calling heartbreaks and then expanded beyond to show me the glories of the year in review, as I gazed out the floor to ceiling window-wall onto the parking lot and the horizon. In fact, the heartbreak energies that presented first in the internal movie were just a representation of the lessons but the overwhelming vibe that was flowing was abundant sweet awareness’s of the past 365 days. I leveled up…again. And I realized with each time that this leveling up on my spiritual path has occurred, the contrast and pain is greater to move through.
Here are a few of the many lessons that I became aware of during this gift of the year in review:
- I learned that the concepts, tools and processes that I teach in my programs Mindful Makeovers™ and A Year of Living MindfulLee, the Life & Performance Coaching and Corporate Mindfulness Trainings have been previously inspired through an experiential process so that I may authentically guide others. And this year has deepened that awareness with the next level of understanding and inspired material to share.
- I was given the lesson of how important it is to be diligent in holding a clear and elevated vibration with heightened spiritual and mindfulness practice and to not allow anyone or anything to divert me from that foundational practice. It is our own individual responsibility. And partners, family, friends, limiting behaviors, mind-sets and habits all play a part in owning that frequency. We must choose wisely.
- I learned that setting boundaries is a necessity for self-love & self-care and not a lack of compassion for another person. And “leaning in” to other’s behaviors with intended compassion, at the expense of one’s self-care and the ability to keep a cleansed energy field, does not serve the whole.
- I learned that at times I am not the best expression of myself but even then, I must honor the experience. Because sometimes that experience is the only way to bring forth a positive outcome and move forward.
- I learned I am stronger than anything that is dark including self-imposed negative thought.
- I learned that no one and no circumstance can extinguish my Light.
- I gained through the transitioning of Rick one of the most profound experiences of my human lifespan, by communicating with his Spirit, after he passed over. He provided me with the visceral knowledge of his nonphysical expansion. This description is for another time and another 2,000 words but let’s just say that I heard him, and I felt his expanse, love and joy beyond any mortal understanding.I gained through the transitioning of Rick one of the most profound experiences of my human lifespan, by communicating with his Spirit, after he passed over. He provided me with the visceral knowledge of his nonphysical expansion.
- I learned that my intuition is strong and accurate. And that when I do not honor and heed that inner knowing, the message becomes more blatant and painful. Like driving toward a brick wall at the end of a road and ignoring all the stop signs and flashing lights.
- Although I knew this, I had a heightened awareness that even “failed” relationships or partnerships are never a failure. Each one represented exactly what was to be learned, received and given.
Messages in Songs
Well, for sure this was like no previous workout I had had and when everything quieted down to complete silence. I felt amazing! Walking at a 3.5 pace on the treadmill, in the stillness of my mind, I asked, “Did all this really happen?” “Am I healed from the past and karmic lessons?” “Am I back to being this connected to Spirit and the Wisdom of the Source?” No answer came. I decided to step up my pace and run while I listened to music. With each song that played on Pandora, I felt like I was receiving playful messages from beyond with song titles and themes of songs, like Andy Grammer’s “Keep Your Head Up”. I finished my run as it was time to meet with my trainer, Chris.
The Universe is always speaking to us
The next 20 minutes was going along as usual, calmly guided and thoughtful direction as I pushed to move the weights. I was sitting on an attached workout bench, using the pully flipping from side to side doing my arm exercises, when after the 3rd side switch I noticed a shiny dime on the floor right in the middle of my two feet. I was really surprised and asked Chris, “Was this here all the time?” He replied, “I didn’t notice it.” The dime was tails up and I just kept looking at it. No, not to get out of my workout. LOL
Messages in Coins
“Did you know that sometimes Spirit gives us messages with coins?” I said to Chris. He didn’t respond. I had never had the experience myself, but I have heard that it happens. I get signs in other ways. I picked up the dime and I “heard” from my inner knowing very clearly that the tail side up was the message for me.
Symbolism of a Dime
When I returned home to investigate, this is what I read from my internet search:
“Finding a dime is a sign that positive changes are afoot; a reward or token of approval from beyond. Ancestors, spirits, guides, or deceased loved ones want you to know they’re looking out for you. The number 10 symbolize a circle, so a dime might indicate coming full circle, fulfillment, unity, or the completion of a task.”
Meaning of a Dime
Then I researched what the symbols were on the back of a dime. Tail side up was the message, remember.
“According to the US Mint, those symbols are a torch (a symbol of liberty), an olive branch (a symbol of peace), and an oak branch (a symbol of strength and independence).”
An Ah Ha Moment
I realized at that moment, I was FREE from the karma, the lessons, and the need for emotional healing what I was working on the past year. I felt completely clear. An awareness popped in about the night before. This message was attempting to break through to me previously.
Messages in Movies
I felt compelled to watch a movie that I would not usually partake in – a drama about emotionally tortured families. Every time there was a moment of contrast (violence, outrage, darkness) that I was not comfortable with, my conscious mind wanted to turn off the television. I had the remote in my hand ready to switch it off, but I stopped 3 separate times as there was something holding me back.
Messages in Poems
Like an exclamation point providing an audible sound, when one of the main characters recited a poem, I felt an inner acknowledgement. However, I could not decipher the clue. The poem was this:
PAUL ÉLUARD, “LIBERTY” (1943)
On my notebooks from school
On my desk and the trees
On the sand on the snow
I write your name
On every page read
On all the white sheets
Stone blood paper or ash
I write your name
On the golden images
On the soldier's weapons
On the crowns of kings
I write your name
On the jungle the desert
The nests and the bushes
On the echo of childhood
I write your name
On my ravaged refuges
On my fallen lighthouses
On the walls of my boredom
I write your name
On passionless absence
On naked solitude
On the marches of death
I write your name
On health that's regained
On danger that's past
On hope without memories
I write your name
By the power of the word
I regain my life
I was born to know you
And to name you
Although this poem is an English translation of the original in French, the feeling that comes from the prose cannot be denied. Beautiful. For those of you who read French, you want to explore this link: http://www.tiphane.org/guy/portfolio/eluard.htm
Learning to listen
Liberty! The whispers of a message being attempted the night before, but I didn’t hear it, although I had a sense that there was a communication struggling to be heard. It was so stunningly orchestrated, the message of Freedom. Freedom from my heartbreak, freedom from my karma. Peace is dwelling now in the house of my soul as I have received renewed strength to move on. And I welcome 2019 with open arms!
The Universe communicates
I had longed for the crystal-clear communication I had received just after my near-death experience and I wondered if I would ever have that again in physical form. Today I had confirmation. All the knowing and knowledge I seek about the Light, is right here.
Love heals all
Thank you to each and every soul who was a part of the play for my healing and expansion by way of providing contrast and or love and support in 2018. Whether you are in my life currently or not. I love you very much and am profoundly grateful!
No pain no gain
My students learn that being in mindful and spiritual practice does not mean that “nothing will ever happen to you that is painful”. That would be a shame because then there is no growth. But having this foundation of mindful practice gives you the tools to work through the contrast optimally with awareness and growth – hope and faith. Helps you understand the pain. It allows you to move through it with more ease and grace, leave it behind and level up!
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No one who has ever done this self-observation, inner-work would say it is easy. Personal and spiritual development is not for the faint of heart if you are seeking mastery. But, oh how sweet the reward! LIBERTY!
And this is what I wish for you!